![]() ![]() This enjoyment, he says, has always been directly correlated to his "too intense consciousness of own degradation" and has stemmed from his awareness that he could never become anything else and probably will never want to change. Until now, he has always felt ashamed of this condition - especially after he had just completed a loathsome act and then began to feel a positive, real enjoyment from his depravity. "The more conscious I was of goodness and of all that was 'good and beautiful,' the more deeply I sank into my mireĀ ." Thus, he feels that depravity might perhaps be the normal state of man. For example, often when he feels "every refinement of all that is 'good and beautiful,'" he also feels and does very ugly things. He is, however, convinced that every type of consciousness is a disease. He does not mean to brag about his illness (i.e., his overdose of consciousness), but it is fashionable to brag about one's diseases. It would be better to possess only the amount given to "direct persons and men of action" who seem to have the correct dosage. He is too acutely conscious, which, he says, is a real "thorough-going illness." The flaw in any cultivated man is that he possesses a higher level of consciousness than is necessary. ![]() The narrator tells us why he could not become an insect even though he has wished many times to become one. ![]()
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